I have a confession to make this morning. I fell off the wagon. I was following the Experiments in E-Squared and finding success, but when it came to losing weight by changing my thinking, it hit a little too close to home.
I have struggled with my weight my entire life. It is my personal demon. I haven't shared this with anyone before, but I distinctly remember the moment I became "fat". I was about five years old when I was sitting near my mother as she talked to another adult. Exactly who that was, I cannot recall. What she said shocked me and became part of my identity for a lifetime.
"They say she is fat, but she's really not." You will notice that only the first part of the statement registered with me. I quickly surveyed my body to see if they were right. Although I couldn't see it, I knew they must be, because "they" were always right. I wasn't sure who "they" were, exactly, but I certainly knew they were powerful. You see, I had experienced the mysterious "they" before.
Not long before this experience they came and took our table and chairs. I know now that my mother had purchased them 'on time' and that when she wasn't able to make the payments the table and chairs were repossessed, but I didn't understand that then. My mother was frantic as she washed the table and chairs and moved them outside so they could take them. I knew she was embarrassed and scared. I watched out the window as two men in a big truck came and took our table and chairs away. After that, Daddy made wooden benches for us to sit on.
They were also responsible for turning off our electricity on occasion, and were always threatening to come again. My mother would rush in a panic to the post office to pay the bill with a money order. She'd cling to the receipt as her proof, in case they showed up.
I knew that they knew everything because I frequently heard my mother quote them. "They say you need to drink milk every day" . . . "They say those berries are bad for you." . . . "They say you can't catch a cold from a cold draft." My life was filled with their wisdom and advice.
They were all-powerful and all-knowing and they could come to my house at any time to do what they wanted. They obviously controlled our lives and if they said I was fat, I was.I've seen pictures of myself at that age and I most certainly was not fat. I was a normal, healthy little girl who happened to live in a poor family who struggled to pay their bills (although I didn't know that then). It is my belief that that moment changed my life. Until then, fat had never been an issue, but suddenly I knew what I was. I was fat.
One could certainly argue that I was too inclined to view myself as others saw me and not as I really was - but I was five years old. I formed my beliefs, like we all do, on what I was taught, and I had been taught that they were never wrong.
I've been aware of this for many years. I've tried to change my thinking about it, but it resists my efforts. It is how I have seen myself for my entire life, even during those brief times when I managed to lose 50 or 60 pounds at a time. It has always come back. Some would say that it is because I resumed old eating habits or made poor lifestyle choices, but I firmly believe it has more to do with my belief about myself than any external causes. Yet, I remain unable to change that thinking.
Perhaps now, you can see why I fell off the wagon when the subject of weight came up. The thought of failing once again in my battle with this demon was more than I could bare. I've decided to temporarily skip this part, because it poses a greater challenge than I can "think away" right now.
But, let's move on the interesting part. I skipped ahead in the book and read the other experiments. Although I didn't feel comfortable about skipping some experiments or posting about it, I secretly set an intention of being contacted by someone I haven't seen in at least 25 years. I made no attempts to locate this person - quite frankly, I scoffed at myself, as there is no reason this person would contact me after all these years. I didn't even think about it after the brief intention setting session.
This morning, I received a Facebook friend request from that person. Apparently, he has just joined the cyberworld.
I don't know about you, but I take this as proof that our thoughts and intentions really do change the world around us. I'm ready to move on with the rest of the Experiments in E-Squared and hope you will follow me on my journey.
Check back tomorrow to learn about the next experiment.